Struggling to Find My Place

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Growing up in my Northern California small town, we attended the same church for almost the entire time we lived there.  We went just about every Sunday--to both the bible study service as well as the main church service, often followed by pizza at Round Table and family nap time.  Then I went another night a week--to Awanas, a bible study, youth group event, whatever.  

Church was important to my parents, but I didn't really think it was important for me.  I believed in God.  I believed in Jesus.  I was able to use my own brain to question, doubt, accept, research.  We talked and continue to talk a lot about Christian stuff at home (my parents').  

I didn't like church though.

I didn't really have any friends there.  The girls that were there were bullies.  I felt lonely, picked on, and invisible.  I wish I had had more confidence, but that didn't come until later.  And by the time I had it, I had closed the door on church.

For a long time, I didn't go to church at all.  I still considered myself a Christian, but one who had strayed far from any kind of recognizable Christian path.  Those are the dark days of my early 20s, years I wouldn't ever want to repeat.  

Even when I did find a church I loved, I still struggled with going regularly and ending my bad habits.  Bad habits like boyfriends, cigarettes, clubbing, staying out at parties until 7am.  

But, I kept trying.  

I went to the same church in San Diego (The Rock) on and off for about 7 years.  I loved that church.  Maybe too much.  After we moved away to Denver I kept comparing every church I tried to The Rock.  After a few years of comparing and always feeling disappointed, I realized my problem: I wasn't trying to worship God, I was trying to find the place that I liked.  And that should be secondary.  

I had that epiphany right before we moved into Chicago.  Then I found a fantastic church on the first try.  I loved it.  Every week the message was inspiring, full of scripture, applicable.  The people were my age.  There were wonderful programs like Awanas, women's bible study, outreach groups.  I was really excited about getting involved.

And then we moved.

Now I've been attending a church in our new area for about 2 months and I've come to the conclusion that it's not for me.    It has nothing to do with the worship songs, or me not liking something about something, it's simply that I feel an urge, a push, to try somewhere else.

So, here I am uprooting and starting again. 

It's worth it though, however scary it can feel.  Because when you find that church that you really connect with, it makes it easier to find that connection to God.  The older I get, the more I see going on in the world, the more that connection is becoming of number one importance to me.