So I Joined the Gym

I did it. It was time. I have about 7 lbs. still from the pregnancy to lose and I have a pretty definite feeling they aren't just going to slip off the way my mom promised me they would. (AHEM. Mother?) 7 lbs. isn't a lot and some people have said, "You don't need to lose anything" but I do. I need to lose 7 lbs. You put on 7 lbs. and tell me it's fine. Yeah. That's what I thought.

I signed up today and also got a babysitting pass because I need to take some time for myself. I have not been Brixton free since the calendar said August, so it's time. I need to feel good again like I did. I need to have a breather. I need to fit into my jeans because I'm not buying all new ones (and oddly, this is the biggest inspiration). Also, I need to make some room for the thousands of extra calories I plan on eating with reckless abandon between October 31st and January 1st. 

This is the first time I'm leaving Brixton and it's a feeling between suffocating terror and all-consuming sadness. I'm not sure what that's all about. He's going to be fine. We are in the same building. I met the ladies working at the Kidz Zone and they were lovely older women, no doubt with children and grand-children themselves. I didn't think I would be like this, but I've been putting off joining the gym for almost 2 months because of this fear. 

My fears are irrational. Possible, yes, but highly unlikely. My number one fear is that someone will shake him. I know, right? Crazy. Like it'd ever get to that point. I know they'd call me, but I can't get that out of my head. My second fear is that he'll fall--either from someone's arms or from a faulty swing. Maybe this should be the number one fear because my eyes have filled with tears just writing that. My number three fear is that he'll look around for me and I won't be there. In my irrational mind I think he's going to be afraid or miss me or feel like I abandoned him. Of course, the rational side of me realizes that he's totally not thinking. (Like that.) 

I nannied once for a woman with a 3 month old. On the first day after she came home, I asked her how she was feeling. She said as soon as she left, she drove around the corner, parked her car and cried. You cried? I just didn't get it. 

Lady, I get it now. Get those tissues ready, gym.

UPDATE:  Ok I just got back a bit ago and Brixton's sleeping (joy!) Not only did I not cry, either did he.  No one dropped him or shook him, so he's just fine.  I'm all sweaty, but that was the point.  And I discovered a steam room and a whirlpool (ladies only!) there! Woot woot!  They're gonna get to know Brixton real well!